I think a lot about horror. I think about why it’s that genre that really hits me on a personal level. I adore October since it’s the time of the year everyone shows their love for the genre all the more, it gets me and my friends to enjoy the medium and come together for something we like a lot.
Sometimes I think that’s why I like horror so much, that opportunity to come together with those I care about. To have an excuse to play my favourite games again but this time in a different environment. Whilst I do believe that does contribute to why I love it all so much, that main reason is that I find horror allows me to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. It allows me to be vulnerable.
When you grow up to be a man, you have those negative traits put upon you, whether that be intergenerational or not. I was lucky enough to be more open with what I enjoyed growing up and I do refer back to it when I think I am who I am now. But that does not mean there were other negatives that became ingrained into my head whilst growing. Hide all emotions, be toned, have short hair. School was the main factor to me for where those negatives came from, I think a lot about what I experienced from either what was told to me or what I saw from others. I would say I’ve managed to distance myself from the expectations others tried to place upon me from then, but would be lying to say if I hadn’t done any damage.
An example would be if I saw anyone from my secondary school I would immediately go back to the thought that I am not ticking a certain box, an outcast or weirdo. It’ll never be nice to feel like those around you are making the choices for you. To not have a choice on who you are, even if now that isn’t the case anymore, as I said, the damage is still done.
It had gotten to a point in my life where I couldn’t cope anymore with that pressure, whether I be it on myself or it was from others. That and a lot that had happened in the years since. The only reaction I had in the months where it had become too much for me was the shut off emotionally. My memory on how I’d describe it was I was quite empty I suppose emotionally on the inside, despite if it looked like the opposite on the outside.
I would compare it to when you’re on your phone in bed and your head is screaming at you to get up. You’re completely aware of what’s happening, but it’s almost as if your mind and body are two separate entities. It’ll look one way, if you saw it you’d be under the impression that something different is going on in that person’s head, whereas that’s not the case. It can be paralysing.
As a reaction to prevent damage from others, I ended up doing it to myself. I was sad a lot of the time as I became confused by my own thoughts as I was unsure what was genuine. Sadness would become anger and then it would cycle back, a loop I had put myself in. Going back to the comparison, I was completely aware of this at the time, it was no surprise to me that I was putting myself in those situations. Every time I became sad, angry, confused I was aware of it all, I just think I’d become so used to it that I didn’t know any other way to live. Times where I could say that I felt genuinely happy were quickly ruined by my own thoughts, being so used to discomfort, I assumed comfort was something I shouldn’t be feeling. I was so scared by the thought of being loved by others it made me hate myself even more to counteract it.
In those moments I believed my mind and body were different, I still do from time to time. When I’m getting bad mentally there will be times where I will talk to myself in third person, as I’m writing about it now I am very much aware of that fact.
This year has been a sort of fix for the damage I’ve done this year. It has been very confusing a lot, especially when my job can make it harder to be emotionally stable. In those months where I found it very difficult, as a response I wanted to become emotionally distant from anyone, as a result I had become emotionally distant from myself. There are memories I wish I had not forgotten that are just not there anymore, it makes me upset, memories I might have put there to lie to myself in the hopes to cope better. I could not say honestly.
In becoming distant I did not want to accept that I was broken, that’s where the confusion came in. I said I believed my mind and body were two entities at a point I started to think there was another mind in there in the mix, three entities. It’s a fight I’m still fighting but it is getting better. I have taken this year to accept there are parts of me that need to be fixed. As a result I can say I am better mentally and emotionally.
For example this blog post, I would have never been comfortable to be vulnerable like this with anyone. This would be stuff that my partner would only know.
Horror is a tool for communication is how I see it. A genre about being vulnerable and choosing when to be. That’s why it hits me on a personal level, because it reminds me it’s okay to be uncomfortable and gives me confidence too. You choose when to interact with it, it gives you that choice which is so important I feel to become confident in yourself. Once when I feel I didn’t have that choice as it was forced on me, when it comes to this genre I do have one. When I can share that with my friends it makes me feel safe and that I shouldn’t be trying to counteract their love with my own self imposed hatred. It makes me want to become better for myself that I can be better for them in the process.
I’ve thought so so much about how important it is to know your boundaries when interacting with any piece of art. I didn’t like horror at first because I was either not in the place mentally to know my boundaries or as I was made by myself without care for how it could affect me. It put me off it for a long time, it hasn’t been until the last 2 years I’d say where I’ve properly fallen in love with it.
Having taken those steps to know my boundaries has helped so much, not just for horror but everything I interact with in a healthy way. If I saw a spider and I didn’t expect it I would cover my eyes. If I was to draw one purely because I wanted to, completely different, because I have made the choice to. Not having forced myself.
My favourite piece of art I’ve had the joy of interacting with in a long time is Be Kind, My Neighbor by Yugo Limbo. To me it is a story about vulnerability and that that journey does not have to be one you do alone. I saw myself a lot in that story which is why I love it so much, also for the reason because I think it’s given me the chance to pull off these messy words into words for the first time. It reinforced me because it featured a lot of content warnings (which is a blind spot for a lot of horror art). It allowed me to know what to expect and seeing the writer put so much of them into that story made me want to do something similar. Knowing those content warnings, I was able to stop reading when it might’ve become too much for me and as a result I could enjoy the story without ruining it for myself and giving me that further confidence in myself. To know my own limits.
I have chosen when to be vulnerable, that gives me independence and from that I have the confidence to become more mentally and emotionally stable. For myself. For those I care about.
